Why am I so spineless? I can take care of myself, but in some situations I choose not to. Then, in the moment I get hurt even more. The current situation is just getting worse and worse. It started with a simple crush and ended up getting crushed, in my opinion, is worse than rejection.

I'm never ever ever sharing my goddamn life again. I never ever want to cause drama, ESPECIALLY for myself. I know I caused it, I opened my big mouth TO THE WRONG PERSON, and she is still using it against me. I'm going to leave you with this one last statement.

"As I zipper my mouth shut,
It close as a smile.
Never again to speak,
nothing but the lies It seeks."

Looking down as I walk,
straight down at my smock.
I spot a dirty smudge,
thinking it must have been the fudge.

Looking up at last,
oh did it happen so fast.
Everyone seemed to have disappeared,
as that someone appeared.

So tall and built,
the sight of him made me just wilt.
The one red eye next to the brown,
forced me to look face down.

Upon shifting my glance,
I assured myself I had one more chance.
I slowly raised my head,
my face was obviously red.

I smiled a big smile,
the only one in the aisle.
To see him move slowly in my direction,
I see an object in his possession.

It was obvious to me now,
it was as plain as a black spot on a cow.
He wanted to check the price,
for a simple hand held device.

Thinking myself dumb that he'd ever consider me,
a small town girl grocery store employee.
He asked the simple question,
"Does this cause indigestion?"

I giggled at that thought,
he must think I'm such a snot.
I reassured him of his device,
offering some simple advice.

He wrote his number on my palm,
thinking to myself, "I must remain calm."
Tonight will be our first date,
It is going to be great.

Six months later we are wed,
to wonder about our future together still ahead.
Nine months later I give birth to a to a baby girl,
the name chosen was Annie Pearl.

Six children later,
we moved closer to the equator.
Closer to the sun,
as we watched our final son run his last home run.

As soon as we both retired,
it wasn't long until we both expired.
Our children found our box full of junk,
inside our family car trunk.

Inside the box,
was a bunch of colored rocks.
Attached to them all,
were papers so small.

Under all of the colored rocks,
was a tiny little box.
A picture of us together in that same aisle,
where he made me first smile.

I have certain views on relationships.


They are not necessary! I'm just fine being single and alone. Sure the idea of having a boyfriend does float through my mind often, but not often enough to act on it.

I know once I do get a boyfriend I will somewhat become dependent, get annoyed with him, break it off, and never speak again. I'm like that and I cannot help it. So avoiding it is all I can really do until I grow out of this stage.

About me a little bit:

I'm nowhere near romantic. I hate the little pet names like; hun, sweetheart, darling. Just say my name. Its not that hard to remember.
I'm a very jealous person and very protective of those I care about. Although that list is getting smaller, I do still have a significant amount of people I do care for. I don't like anniversaries, I hate flowers unless they are fake or daisies. To me, giving flowers represents a symbol that the relationship will eventually end just like you can always guarantee the flowers will die. Chocolate is too expected and completely fattening. I like things that can catch my attention. Make me want to notice you and intrigue me.

I am a masochist. I enjoy pain. I like feeling intimidated. It makes me really interested in who you are as a person. That may sound like I cannot do things for myself. Untrue, I am on the most part independent. I don't like going places alone especially where there isn't much of a crowd. I have a job, and I may not enjoy it but it is helping me with my people skills. I'm a waitress in the dining rooms of a retirement community. Its not as bad as sounds, but its not easy either. You'd have to experience it because I cannot explain what it means to me.

Thats it I suppose.

I really like school and no I'm not on drugs. It keeps me motivated, and my brain always going. It also challenges me. So when I don't feel challenged, I usually give up. I liked 4 out of 6 teachers by their first impressions and just overall attitude. I'm in quite few sophomore classes, and those classes blow.

Foods, in there everyone is more immature than every before. They're not going to respect the teacher, poor lady doesn't know what she's in for. I know half of the class because we went to the same elementary, and junior high school. Neighbors most of our lives and ... trust me they're never going to change if they haven't already. I'm the only junior in that class that isn't constantly talking, or swearing. Same goes for the sophomores. The freshmen are scared shitless but I'm sure thats going to change within the next few weeks.

Physical Science, the teacher didn't give a very good first impression... so it kind of stuck on me that he is kind of a laid back guy, which is not going to go well with the other students when he shows his true colors. I've been here long enough to know that *no* teacher is laid back. Brooks is the acceptation because she is just so stupid. The few people around me seem cool and a bit shy because I do like to talk and my lab partner is a bit of a brain and "quiet," joy.


otherwise I'm glad who I got for H.E.R.O., Dance, English, and Algebra.
I'm done ranting, it wont get done my Algebra 2 homework.



byebye.

I think this is the first happy post! Goodness! I finally am relieved of stress for now. Mom is better, no more appointments where I need to take her, I got the job, I'm in the work program, I get the parking permit, and I'M FINALLY IN A GOOD MOOD!

School starts in less than 6 days and I've never been more excited! Things are finally taking a turn for the good.... too bad I just jinxed it.



;)

why do I act or feel this way all of the time? this feeling of emptiness never seems to go away. I always feel like there is something missing in all of my days. no matter who I'm with, I'm just never truly happy.
I mean sure there are some days, where everything just seems so perfect. especially, when I'm living in the moment.
then other days I feel like I'm being punished for that one perfect day. like mom going into the hospital, someone dying, or losing a good friend. it just never seems to end.
why can't the bad ever end? why can't I ever get a break? be able to smile and truly mean it.


I do indeed want someone to depend on me, need me to always be there no matter what. I want someone to always love me; good times, difficult times, fun times, and quiet times. I want a best friend, that doesn't have 4 legs, they can't always talk back. I'm young, merely 16 years young but, I think its time for me to truly find what I want and go for it.
I want to leave the United States and start new somewhere else. Make money, and become a mechanic. I'm not a lesbian I'm 100% straight and I love cars. Most people think only lesbians love working on cars, well thats stereotyping and completely typical. I want to be one to change the image of a female mechanic. I do want to own my own garage and give some money to special, worth while charities.

Making a difference doesn't usually take much. Just always have to have your head in the game, and never let anyone crush your dreams.

(I need to learn to take my own advice)

A very complicated, self conscious, and cautious individual.

I hate to complain, but it comes so easily to me.


I haven't had a summer this year. With school, mom, and lack of things to do. Less than 20 days left and mom is still controlling my summer. I understand she has brain problems and all, but I am 16 and she shouldn't be my responsibility.

I'm not a mother, and this is so new to me; you know the responsibility thing. I just wish I could choose what I wanted to do that day without consulting my mother. I mean, I love her and all but my life, so far, revolves around her. Because I'm growing up, I try to give her space. You know to finally have a life besides me (she gave up a lot for me and I know it). Its kind of hard to shy away from the nest when mom is not mentally all there. I know its not her fault but, I kind of resent her for that. I don't mean to but it just happens and it makes me so ashamed of myself I just want to sleep.

I'm changing, and I feel it. I'm becoming a more patient person and all but, I'm also developing some rage and disagreement inside myself. I have to fight my own emotions down whenever I get frustrated. Which is probably why I love pain so much, it helps relieve some of that frustration. By pain I don't mean cutting, because I'm not a cutter, I mean pain from wrestling, fighting, or everyday clumsiness.

I don't eat as much anymore. We never have food in the house and it's usually my responsibility to go grocery shopping and I don't like to go when I have to go by myself. And I've completely lost my desire to eat. What the hell does it satisfy? I mean yeah, I'll eat my breakfast, lunch, and dinner and 1 snack, other than that nothing else satisfies.

As I said in a whole other blog entry I started to eat because it felt right, and kept me hidden inside myself. Now there is a whole new me trying so hard to get out, there is no room under all that fat.

I'm told I'm loosing weight and all but, I honestly don't feel it. I'm beginning to hate how I look more and more. I hate pictures completely, and sometimes when I look at myself now I want to cry. Sometimes I actually do cry. Its not necessarily how I look, but how I let myself get that way. I always wonder why I was so sad. What made me eat? What brought down my self esteem so much that I ate to feel that one bit of happiness? And when I think of those questions, I see very clearly the scenario that caused everything. One of my gymnastics teacher violated two girls on the balance beam right in front of me.

I've blocked out most of my childhood because of that. I can't remember anything except that. I faintly remember my elementary years, let alone before that. I don't know why I do this but, I just seem to recycle them along with my dreams and desires.

I've taught myself, let go. Don't dream too big, don't think too highly, because you'll be let down. This is the whole reason I love to read, write and explore things that only I, the book, and the computer seem to know. I do keep secrets that no one should ever know. But, someday I'll eventually tell someone besides my journal, and just hope they don't judge me even more than I do myself.

bye for now.

this isn't going as i planned. i thought they would have agreed / or disagreed with me but they're just shrugging and not doing anything at all.


:( im getting sad . if they don't want to do anything then why are they here.









UGH!!! fuck this, i'm going to bed.

Step Up 2 did bring it to the table.

that movie got me feeling better
life does get hard but always make the best of it!



I give it a big 2 thumbs up to watch, it will be worth your while.

Andy comes a long way, and in this movie it is worth watching her way.
NOW GO WATCH IT :)




g'night ya'll!

for the rest of the summer is to blog my day with details people don't usually blog about. Mind you, I probably wont blog everyday, but what I did is on a pad and paper and I will write that when a computer is available.


What I plan to record is my list of what I eat for; breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. I will try to look up the calories and exact amounts for my benefit, and yours if your dieting and eating what I ate. I will be starting today and be warned, I got like 0 hours of sleep so I will be having a lot of caffeine.


goodnight for real darlings :)


<3

and just for my knowledge who is reading this? Sam, Laura? Who else? leave a comment please.

Before I go to bed tonight, I would just like to tell you my opinion about 27 Dresses.
No real spoilers, honest.

This was the perfect romantic comedy. Katherine Heigl really got into character, had fun with this little part.
Katherine Heigl played the "perfect bridesmaid," never the bride. She did everything; from planning, to inviting, to buying the cake, to making the list for the wedding shower.
In the end, she wears her 28th dress, and wasn't asked to hold anyone's dress while they pee.




:)

Now, go watch it. Its good!!!!

I feel to be alone in this world; only myself to count on, only me to live for (and to be truthful thats not really enough).

No one seems to understand that I care a lot about what I look like. Lately, yes I've been lazy. No make-up, no effort in my hair. I don't feel the need to anymore since I'm the only one who cares.
I care about what I sound like, thats why I have like 10 different laughs, and to those who say I laugh too much, next time you mention that I'm just going to say,
"Oh ya, well it seems to me you don't laugh enough, otherwise you wouldn't be criticizing my laugh."
Oh ya, I went there.

I understand I do have some confidence but it can disappear in an instant because I'm very self conscious and insecure.

I regret everyday that I made the choice to quit everything. By everything I mean; gymnastics, ballet, tap, and dance. I made this decision when I was 6 years old because I witnessed my gymnastics teacher violate twin girls on the balance beam. I wasn't exactly next up but I was close and it was just awful. They screamed together and he started to run away. He didn't make it out because the other teacher caught him, our parents took us home and we all watched the news. He had a trial and such that lasted quite a while and during that time I discovered that I loved food. If you can imagine that I was so skinny you saw my ribs and some insides, thats what I looked like as a kid.

I didn't gain all my weight when I was six, it took 2-3 years of not being active to actually gain weight. I was a fat child after that. I've never lost my weight because there were a few words that were burned into my brain,
"Mollie, if you ever lose your weight you will be violated. As long as your fat and not attractive no one will ever hurt you sexually."
I still believe that, but I want to be skinny. I am losing my weight the right way, exercising and dieting. Don't criticize my dieting, it works.

I'm going to stop ranting because its getting me nowhere.




<3 lovessss.

I thought this weekend was going to be amazing, drama free, endless conversations, and oodles of fun.
I was wrong.



I got there on Friday around... 1.30 p.m I think, and it was just me, Agnes, and her grandmother. Agnes is a cool and awesome person, and so... easy going. Honestly thats amazing!! :)
Anyway we had fun comparing computers and such then... around 6 Catherine comes home with mom, they were doing a nanny job, and she had a headache.
I understood, I don't get them often but when I do they hurt. So I let her be. Then the door rang and she was nowhere to be found. Apparently she had a couple guy friends there and I said to Agnes,
"Hey lets have some fun :) "
When I finally got my shoes on and opened the door, just before Agnes caught up Catherine said quite loudly,
"What do you want ? "
Agnes was like hey something and I got the "stink" look from both guys sitting on her porch and I just shut the door, took my shoes off and went back to Agnes' bedroom. She, Catherine, obviously wasn't effected by this one bit since she didn't come after me.It hurt because I drove ... 38 miles to see her and she was outside talking carefree with a couple guys.
Agnes suggested we go for a walk and I liked that, it usually clears my head. As we were leaving through the garage I decided to give her the silent treatment, Agnes did too. We walked to a park just talking. Then swung on some trees and picked up some garbage, come on people keep mother earth clean. If not the whole earth at least keep parks, lawns and streets clean. We kept going along a path that was close to a pond. You know what that means... BUGS!!! We were almost eaten alive! Not really but it was close.
We got home, one guy was left. He happened to be a year younger and looked like an ugly more dirty version of George of the Jungle. I was disgusted that she was .... basically ignoring me for a barbarian. I'll get over it someday, almost all girls pick guys over their good friends.
From experience I no longer use the word best friend, one I expect too much when I say that, two no one ever can live up to that because we all make mistakes, and three that word is used so lightly now that people get offended if I, or someone else doesn't use it right away.

(Which doesn't make sense to me, how can you know if your best friend is the person you just met)

Anyway, it didn't go well when she finally came in the house. I got the silent treatment because I "chased" him away. Apparently I am intimidating. See me and Agnes went outside to eat something in the night air, he decided it was time to go home. Good choice.
Back to what I was saying, she didn't even say goodnight, she just changed got something from Agnes' room and went to bed. I went to talk to her and invited her to hang out as a peace treaty and she just said no and groaned, I told her why I was angry and I think that went in one ear and right out the other because the very next day, she's forgotten.
Saturday morning was awkward. She was sitting right next to me, not even talking. Then it came time to dye my hair, about noon and I asked her to join when she was sitting in her room.
"No," she said.
I got sad. I was honestly trying to make peace and she rejected it. This wasn't anger, this was either payback or pure bitchiness she was obviously trying to show off. She even complained when I was going to do my hair because we were using the bathroom she takes showers in. I honestly was ready to leave and or cry. I didn't do either because I'm not that weak, and to pretend to myself that it didn't bother me.
When I got out of the shower I helped her with the toilet papers because in the shower I silently cried, tricking myself that it was water from the shower head running down my cheek. I got into the other bathroom and gave her a hug saying,
"I got you all wet again!!"
She giggled and Agnes just simply stated,
"Oh dear, what have you two been doing behind my shoulder?"
"Should we tell her?" said Catherine, and I knew things were going to get better.
She was still a bitch but I didn't smack her, nor did I hold it against her for long. Sunday came around and she was back to the Friday moods, oh well. Me and Agnes had fun making Sims. I turned out to be her mother because it wouldn't let me be her sister or roommate. Then I actually did my homework, cleaned up, packed, and eventually went home.

It was a good weekend, I learned some new songs, and some new bands. I've learned the meaning of making your own fun, and entertaining yourself when needed. And that cream cheese goes well on lightly heated bread. Hehe :)


Goodnight all.
<3